5 times Manhattan couldn’t say « I love you » and one time he could
…when they kissed for the first time
Because, he is sure of it, he didn’t love lieutenant-colonel Aden back then. He was that insufferable prick with the perfect smile, perfectly ironed uniform and perfect caprican accent. The guy who couldn’t throw a decent party or have a good laugh. The man who gave orders and followed the admiral everywhere. Someone captain Manhattan would gladly punch, but for the fact it would be too easy.
He couldn’t remember how they ended up kissing in the toilets. The water stains on Aden uniforms, however, are as clear a picture in his mind as the very room he’s in right now. Somehow half the pleasure came from ruining the perfect, stern uniform of mister-immaculate.
But sure, captain Andrew Manhattan didn’t love him back then.
…when they had sex for the first time
He can’t remember how they got to do it (probably drunk, only that lieutenant-colonel Aden will be dead before he’s drunk), but they did it, somewhere in a cramped place between two shifts. The whole thing is quick and messy, hands in pants, Aden actually going on his knees (never thought he would do something like that by himself), and it’s making it far more wonderful than hoped. For one moments, as Manhattan is zipping his pants back, he thinks he has a keeper here.
Then, Aden said: “I need to brush my teeth before I go to the CIC.” And that just broke it.
…when he became commander
By then, they somehow had their routine. Casual sex, kissing (a lot), sometimes spending a night (always at Aden’s place), talking (not that much) and siting in silence (too much). Aden’s not the jealous type; Manhattan is, but his lover’s hardly going to find pleasure anywhere else (seeing how hard it was to get to him).
When things change, they change hard. One day Aden shows up, looking even smaller under the weight of the rank.
“Did I kill him?” (No you didn’t, stupid!) “I feel like I did.” (That’s because you like to chastise yourself, don’t you ?)
He doesn’t listen. Manhattan knows, faintly, that he’s in love (or he would have gone, ‘cause he doesn’t wish to be the commander’s boy), and how Aden craves for those words he won’t say.
‘Cause he won’t be the commander’s boy.
...When he discovers he was a cylon
He decides he doesn’t want to see him. Ever. Again. His belly turned into a black hole, sucking everything between feelings of betrayal, shame, pity and anger. Manhattan just wishes he would punch the guys, albeit for Clayton’s guards.
They said : he wants to see you.
He answered : Well, I don’t (because he’s a bastard, a liar, and finally, a machine).
Machines don’t love.
Do they ?
He said he wouldn’t come, yet he’s here, in front of the door, and inside, Aden’s still looking like old same Aden, only more fragile, haunted, and desperate because he wants nothing more than being human again. Manhattan would have punched him if he had made the first gesture, but the ex-officer just stays sitten with barely conceled fear on his face.
“You were wrong,” he croaks with a small voice. “I did kill them, didn’t I?”
That’s so stupid, Manhattan can’t help himself. His open hand hit hard enough for Aden’s face to follow, for the lower lip to split slightly. Then he takes him into his arms. His head fits naturally against his chest, just below the chin. Like if he had been made for him. He knows precisely what Aden hopes for right now, but Manhattan can’t utter them.
He’s feeling mad enough as it is.
...When he goes on a suicide spree
Then, there’s the whole “Archon mission” stuff, which Manhattan dub as a “suicide spree in disguise”. He means, who wouldn’t see it this way? His always perfect, self-righteous and now depressed Aden wishes to end his life with honor. Great.
But he’s not alone.
Manhattan wants to point out that, after something like four years of being a major actor in Aden’s life, he deserves to have his say. Only Aden never asks, and somehow, Manhattan can’t say : Hey, guy, aren’t you forgetting someone ? Forgetting me?
So he comes along on the suicide spree. He doesn’t want to die, no… only to remind Aden that he’s there and must be accounted for. That he’s worth something, that he loves him, and that’s the only reason he’s with them, running after a gods damned Battlestar.
Yet, he can’t say the words.
Because Aden should be able to know.
...When Michael visits the place
He hears about the gunshot on the Argos when he’s back from a patrol. He doesn’t care much –stupid Sanders copy apparently tried to kill Sanders and another stupid Sanders copy, mostly because everyone wants to kill Sanders anyway and it’s becoming something of a joke.
Then Manhattan remembers Aden was on the Argos too, since he was asked to babysit for stupid-Sanders-copy-n°1, and Manhattan’s afraid no one cared to talk about cylon collateral casualties.
So he rushes to the Argos (and looks ridiculous, because all the squadron knows exactly why), almost makes a fumble on his landing (something that hasn’t happened in years) and makes a run (to Aden, pushing people along the way).
He can’t find his words when Aden opens the door. His face must have betrayed him: “I’m alright,” explains the frakking cylon, “he came here, but he was aiming for Sanders and Nathan.”
Manhattan takes him into a crushing embrace, and he has a feeling Aden wouldn’t have put up a fight against Sanders-stupid-copy-n°2. It’s not that he wants to die; somehow, he just doesn’t have it in him since Nathan’s been hurt.
“Move in with me.” He finds some excuse, quickly: “They miss you, the guys from the Zodiac. They don’t even believe you’re a cylon for real.”
“I like it on Gattaca,” Aden answers. Manhattan feels like he just kicked a puppy (‘cause Aden was waiting for something else, something Manhattan could never give before). “Really, I mean it.”
“No, you don’t. That ship’s a prison for you, that’s all it is.”
“Perhaps, but it’s none of your concern.”
Is it?
“Then why do I keep running after you to clean the mess?”
“You said it earlier, Hawk. I’m convenient.”
He doesn’t wait (because if he does, he’ll miss the beat again) and shoves him against the wall (kissing as hard as he can), until he’s sure he won’t run away (even if Aden’s not the one who always run).
“Wrong, stupid toaster. It’s ‘cause I love you.”
Accueil 
